Its almost time...

Hope,

Its almost time.  Almost time for you to know exactly what I've prayed you would know for 20 long months, since the moment I first laid eyes on you.  You are going to feel and know the love of a family.  They have given you a new name, Sophie, and I'm sure it will suit you perfectly but I admit I'm having a hard time getting used to it. I hear that your new family will be coming for you soon after Christmas.  How exciting!  I would be lying if said I wasn't just a little sad.  I have loved watching you grow at New Day.  I have loved praying over you and enjoyed every minute I was able to call you "my" sponsor child.  There are two little boys in my house who still talk about "Hope." Lincoln has an extra special place in his heart for you and still can't look at a Target ad without picking out the girly things he wants to buy for "Hope" in China :) You've had a powerful impact on our hearts and our lives, little one.  Lincoln, Sully & I will never be the same because we've been blessed with the opportunity to love you.  What a gift!  I can't begin to imagine how excited your Mommy and Daddy must be as they wait these last few days to weeks until they wrap their arms around you, but I think about how wonderful that moment will be for you often.  I pray a beautiful future is laid out before you, sweet one.  May your life be filled with love and joy and maybe someday, in God's perfect timing and infinite wisdom,...some special nevus friends like Sully, Lincoln & I.

Love,

Beth

One Year Later

Its been one year since I wrote this post about one of the happiest days of my life.  September 27th, 2011...  What a glorious day that was!  Hope was matched with our family, just three days before her first birthday.  And now...on the eve of her 2nd birthday I can't help but think about all that she's brought to my life and how much it hurts to not have her wrapped up in my arms right now.  If life had gone the way I thought it was going to, I'm 99.9% positive that right this very moment I'd be putting the finishing touches on a ladybug-themed birthday party fit for my lil' love bug and marveling at what an amazing year its been.  Instead, I'm sitting here with a lifetime's worth of kleenex's in the garbage from the last 8 months.

I still believe so many of things I wrote in spite of the incredible pain that my loss of Hope has brought to my life.  I still believe that the official "match" of Hope to my family was miraculous.  I still believe that God's plan was for Hope to be my little girl, even if only for four short months.  I still believe that God is going to redeem the pain and loss in my life, and in Hope's, in glorious ways.  He already has redeemed the hurt in ways that still seem kinda small right now, but I trust that when I'm a bit further down the road in my healing I'll see just how God has weaved redemption in this journey of mine.  Oh, how I hope I see that day on this side of heaven!

It seems fitting that on the one year anniversary to my match with Hope that she would be on the other side of the world celebrating her 2nd birthday with a package from one of her sponsor families, the Beth Nagel family  :)

No, it wasn't her birthday on Sept. 27th...that's a couple days off, but they decided to celebrate early because her birthday just so happens to fall on a national holiday this year.  Just so happens...yeah right!  That was no coincidence.  I haven't seen the pictures yet, but if you look up New Day South on Facebook I'm sure they'll be posting some soon.

Its been such a blessing to watch Hope grow up at New Day.  Its bittersweet, but more sweet than bitter.  What a blessing to watch her personality develop and her beauty radiate from that precious little face I saw for the first time almost 18 months ago!  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her and pray for her AND whoever her forever family may be.  I wonder if a day will ever go by that she won't cross my mind.  I doubt it.  You never forget your babies...and Hope will always be mine.

Goodbye to My Girl

I've known a goodbye would have to come.  I don't want to be saying goodbye.  Its not fair.  I didn't choose this goodbye.  I want to be welcoming you home, not saying goodbye. Bringing you home to be mine wasn't His plan like I had prayed for, pleaded for, longed for.  My hopes and dreams for you will never leave the place in my heart that you will always have.  Forever you'll be my princess, my China baby, my Hope Isabella Xiang Fei Nagel. Forever you'll be mine.  I may never meet you on this side of heaven, but I won't stop praying that I will.  I won't stop praying for you, Hope.  Never.  I won't stop loving you and remembering how I felt the moment I laid eyes on you, the incredible love I felt immediately.  I won't stop remembering... 

I will remember the way I knew you were a special polk-a-dotted baby just like Sully by the sweet little spots on your face.
I will remember the overwhelming joy I felt when I got my birthday miracle in your referral.
I will remember shopping for you and delighting in each and every moment I spent daydreaming about the room I'd make for you and I to enjoy together.
I will remember the wonder I had when I saw the sweet little spots on your precious toes, just like I did with your big brother.
I will remember the excitement in your brothers when they learned about bringing you home and how they grew to love you too.
I will remember the joy that your great grandpa Roling had in hearing that you would be mine.
I will remember buying your first baby doll and paying for it with tears in my eyes.
I will remember that Samantha led you to me.
I will remember praying over your paperwork and asking God to bless the paperwork pregnancy that would make you mine.
I will remember choosing your middle name and the beautiful story of the family who named you Hope before you were mine.
I will remember that God's plan for you is way bigger than mine was and it is GOOD!
I will remember the awe I felt in seeing God's hand on your life through the many people who prayed for you since your were a tiny baby, all inexplicably connected to carry out God's special plan for your life.
I will remember praying as I typed up the care manual for your birthmark to share with New Day so they would know how to care for your special skin.
I will remember asking God to prepare your heart and mine for this special journey we would share as mother and daughter.
I will remember celebrating every accomplishment in my adoption journey to you with my friends and family.
I will remember watching your Grandma D and Grandpa opening their hearts to you and loving you as their own in their words and actions.
I will remember every tear I've shed in your loss, all the sadness and the pain, trusting that God will use every single one of those tears for HIS glory.
I will remember September 30th, your birthday, as my daughter's birthday because you ARE my daughter, sweet one, and birthdays are a reason to celebrate!

There are so many things that I wish we could've done together, so many things I'm losing in saying goodbye to you but for you, sweet baby girl  I WILL... Be strong and courageous and do the work of His kingdom.  I WON'T be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, MY GOD, is with ME and with YOU.  He will not fail us or forsake us.  1 Chronicles 28:20

Someday I pray that God will show me why you weren't meant to be my baby girl, that He'll redeem this incredible pain I'm expereincing, that He'll lead me away from the anger that exists toward the sin that took you from me and toward forgiving the one whose choices took you from me.  I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you from the ugliness that has fallen on my boys and I.  If there was any way to bring you home on my own I would've.  Hope, you are so very loved.  So loved.  First by your birth mommy and now by me, your heart mommy.  In my heart, I'll ALWAYS, ALWAYS be your mommy, Hope.

Goodbye, Hope....my sweet, precious, most beautiful treasure. 



A family has submitted their letter of intent to adopt Hope.  They have not yet made contact with me, but I pray that they do.  If you know the family who has chosen my baby girl to be their very own, please contact me.  Although I will no longer be Hope's forever mama, I would love to be a part of Hope's life in some way no matter how small or how big.

In this time of saying goodbye, I plan to fill in the missing pieces of Hope's story that I've kept only in my heart until now.  Her story is not yet done so this blog will remain open in the mean time.  I ask that you pray for me, my children, and my parents as we grieve this incredible loss.

Full Term

It was almost exactly 9 months ago that I first became "pregnant."  So that means right now I'm full term.  Actually, I'm feeling every bit the miserable pregnant lady I was in August of 2006 and July of 2009 only this time my body doesn't feel like its going to explode...my heart does.  I've been loving on her sweet self for 9 whole months as God continued to work in and through us to the point we are today.  Just like Hope has never known the love of a mother and a father, we've never known love that her sweet kisses and hugs and laughter will bring us.  We already love her like CrAZy, but this pregnancy is far from over.  We know for sure that we're at least half way there, but any more speculation beyond that is nothing more than an educated guess based on averages.  If I go into "labor" early, she could be home in June.  If I'm way overdue, she may not make her debut as Hope Isabella Xiang Fei Nagel until...August (OUCH!!!!).  Either way, I feel full term and want nothing more than to be celebrating the Chinese New Year with her in China today. Xin nian kuai le! Happy Year of the Dragon!!  Bring on the "labor" pains and lets get this show on the road.  Next up?  Dossier to China (DTC)-expected to happen the first week in February.

(ps I totally copied the Mandarin from Facebook so if its incorrect, please forgive me...I've got a LONG way to go to figure out this Chinese culture stuff but I'm having fun learning as I go.)

Happy Birthday, Love Hope

I woke up this morning on my 31st birthday to many happy birthday messages, one of which quickly directed me to a new blog post about our special girl.  What a very special birthday gift!  Oh my goodness!!  Could a mama be any more blessed than to have my two little peanuts at home and this little one waiting on me!?!?  I don't think so.  Here's my narrative to the photos from the post about Hope...

"Hey, Mama!  Happy Birthday!  Would you believe that I already have a special place in my heart waiting for you to fill up?  I do...and it makes my heart smile THIS BIG to think that the time will be coming soon when it will be filled to overflowing!!"

"And mommy...I want you to know that I have something special for you for your birthday.  Here it is!  A great big smile just for you :)  Do you love it? Of course you do :)"

 

"I have to get serious now, mom, because I know its driving you crazy that you can't get on a plane to come get me today but don't worry.  They love me here and tell me that my family will love me even more.  I can't imagine all that love, but I will wait patiently because I know its going to be the best thing ever!"

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't hurry because I can't wait for all those hugs and kisses that mommy's and daddy's have to share.  Happy Birthday to YOU, mommy!"

Love, Hope 



"Checkitout"

Sully's latest phrase, which he produces as one word, is "CheckItOut!"  Its so cute how he says it and I'm sure he heard it somewhere.  Hmmm...  I wonder :)

CheckItOut seems appropriate because check out these mounds of paper all ready to finally leave US soil.  The last 7 months have been filled with all kinds of paperwork, approvals, invoices, post office visits, phone calls and growing love for a child we'll soon call our own.  And now all of that has turned into this...

And all of that will soon be on its way here...

Because Hope may not growing in my belly, but she's definitely growing in my heart and all that paperwork means one thing...

We're super close to having our Dossier sent to China and that means we're going to have baby!!!

"CheckItOut!"

Here and Gone

Our 797 made it into our hands this morning...

and now its gone again!  YES!!

This morning was somethin' else.  For the third day in a row, Sully's woken up with a fever of over 102 degrees.  He's so sick its just terrible.  I hate seeing him this way and I especially hate the worry that comes along with having a sick child who has tissue expanders in their body.  Ugh.  I had to go to work to tie up loose end, a phone training for Birth to 3 providers, sub plans, and more and then make it back home before Carl needed to leave for work. 

Carl's plan was to try and track down our mail man this morning, even if he hadn't yet delivered our mail, and see if we could get our mail a bit early.  We had a hunch today would be the day we would receive our the Approval Notice, known as the I-797, in the mail and we were right!  We quickly made a copy of the original and Carl took it to have it signed and notarized and then dropped it at the FedEx drop!  Now its off to Pierre to be certified at the Secretary of State's office.  If all goes well, we'll have it will be back here on Thursday and gone again...off to Washington, DC.  This is where there will be a little delay due to the Chinese New Year holiday coming very soon, but that's okay because we're getting SOOOO CLOSE to a HUGE milestone in this process.  Our DTC is right around the corner!!

Bring on the Recipes!

Bring on the recipes!!

My recipe collection for Hope's cookbook is well under way.  Thank you so much to all of you who have already contributed.  We have some super yummy recipes already!  I'm so excited.  Is the timing perfect to take on a project like this again? Mmmm.  No. Do doctors, hospitals, and insurance companies care about whether or not we have the time and money to pay them.  That's a big NO.  So this is where you come in.  We need your help!

Over the next three to four months, I'm going to be collecting holiday recipes AND brief write-ups about traditions that your family and friend may have for any holiday.  I would love to get as many recipes and/or traditions collected from all of you, Hope's family and friends, as possible. The more the merrier!!

Please send your recipes to me at my email address bethnagel@ymail.com or you can mail them to us directly at 413 W 8th St, Dell Rapids, SD 57022.

Many of you know the story of how we put together a fundraiser cookbook shortly after Sully was born to help pay for his medical and travel expenses, but I have many new friends from the adoption community who may not know anything about all that so here's a recap and a more clear explanation of what brings us to do another cookbook...this time for Hope medical and travel expenses.

As an overwhelmed mother to a newborn with a medical condition requiring lots of medical attention that could never have been anticipated, I looked for ideas about how to help offset our medical and travel expenses with some kind of fundraiser.  My search didn't go further than our Nevus Outreach community when I found Riley Mitchell's cookbook fundraiser.  I don't know how I can even say that "I" found Riley's cookbook because I know that it with the Lord who led me to his family.  Since Riley earned his angel wings, we've been blessed to see God's hand in weaving our families together in more ways than just our cookbook fundraisers.  Through an incredible turn of events, we've learned that Riley's mom knew about Hope and had prayed for her long before we ever saw her or had any intention of adopting.  That's a story all its own and can only be described as a miraculous revelation of God's love for his children.  So we began pulling together family recipes for the cookbook that became known as "Sully's Snacks & S'more."

Fast forward through nearly 3000 copies of Sully's cookbook sold and many generous donations and Sully's out of pocket medical and travel have been covered 100%.  There's always been just enough.  The Lord has ALWAYS proved faithful.  And that brings us to now...

Choosing to adopt is more than just about loving a child.  Its a decision that impacts every aspect of your family life, especially financially.  Its no secret that adoption of any kind is expensive.  When Carl and I made the choice to adopt, we did so knowing that we would be making sacrifices of many kinds in order to pay the ransom for a child.  Every precious gift comes with a costly price tag.  Look at the price our Savior paid for us...and he found us worthy.  If we are all worthy of His ultimate sacrifice, then trusting his provision and saving a little more and working a little harder is EXACTLY what we should be doing in order to care for one of his beloved children through the act of adoption.  We have a plan to pay for our adoption that includes savings, working extra (I'm providing B to 3 services for again), a loan that we've haven't accessed yet in the process (thank goodness) and saving any "extra" we can through consignment, less spending, more couponing and on and on.  Its going well right now, but the real expenses will begin with our adoption when our child comes home and that is where we're asking for help.

We don't know how many surgeries Hope will need to minimize her risk for melanoma to the greatest extent possible, but it will be just as many as Sully has had we know that for sure.  We are hopeful that Hope's cookbook fundraiser will be an answer to our prayers just as Sully's was.  We're praying that God will bless our efforts to care for Hope's needs and provide exactly what we will need emotionally and financially so that we'll always have "just enough."

Join us in prayer and send a recipe (or 10) our way as we begin putting together Hope's medical and travel expense (not adoption cost related) cookbook!  The goal will be to have the cookbook ready to be submitted by the time we travel to China and sent to the publishers shortly after she arrives home and can be photographed for her cookbook design.  Whether we sell one copy or one thousand, I just know that God has a special plan for our "Hope for the Holidays" cookbook and I can't wait to see His marvelous hand in it all.

Bring on the recipes!

Please send your recipes to me at my email address bethnagel@ymail.com or to Carl at nagel_carl@hotmail.com

797

After 64 days of waiting (plus 26 more for a grand total of 90 days!!! if you add in the wait time from our failure to include the correct money amount, Carl's job change and our home study update), our I800A has finally been approved and our 797 has been issued.  Don't get too excited because we still haven't received it in the mail yet, but we know that it was issued on January 12th.

No this is not our immigration officer, but too funny of a picture not to include.

This means that we have been approved by the USCIS (Homeland Security) to adopt a child from China and bring her into the US. It doesn't mean we've been approved to adopt Hope specifically.  That will come a little later.  For now, we will anxiously await that paper in the mail and get ready to do a fast turn around with the certification and authentication processes before our Dossier makes it to our agency on its last stop before making its way to the officials in China who will make our dream come true...eventually.

One step closer, but still so far away.

Please pray for our process as we make progress in the coming weeks.  We're going to be running into some speed bumps on all kinds of levels.  The mail may be slow due to tomorrow's holiday, state certification may be postponed due to former governor Janklow's funeral, authentication may take longer than usual due to Chinese New Year and Embassy closure on January 23rd and 24th and who knows what else will pop up.

Don't Get Me Started...

I have had it up to here (visualize me making a strong gesture marking a place WAY above my head) with USCIS aka Homeland Security.  I'm tired of waiting for an approval that should've only taken...well, a couple of days but averages are all over the place from 35-75 days.  We are on day 63 in our wait to get approval from our government to bring an adopted child from a Hague Convention country into the US (at least that's what I understand it to be).  

This approval is absolutely necessary for our paperwork to progress, but its driving me bananas!!!  The form we filled out and sent in way back in October is the same one we're waiting to get an approval on now...still.  Of course, it started out as my math error and shorting them 15.00 which resulted in a two week delay and then Carl's job loss and gain and a homestudy update and now since 11/9/11 we've been waiting.  We found out we hadn't even been assigned an officer until last Friday, the 6th of January.  I just cannot believe how pathetic this system is.  I mean, come on, we were checked out by our state government, by the FBI and now we've been waiting longest of all on homeland security.  I now can see why we had the tragedy of 9-11 more clearly  There is ZERO communication between our government agencies.  Ugh!!!!  I've been beginning to see some approvals come through for other families who sent their paperwork to homeland security after we did so now I'm really starting to get irked.  Our officer responded to my email this morning saying that our file would be reviewed today and if she didn't need any further information it would be approved and we would receive it in 1-3 business days.  I'm not holding my breath, but that hasn't stopped me checking my emails constantly to see if a Fed Ex tracking notice has come through today.  Even if we needed to provide them with more information about one thing or another, it won't be long now and we will be approved.  I guess I just needed to get a little  frustration off my chest.  

IF  WHEN we finally get our approval, known as the 797, in our hands we will make a copy of the document, sign it, get it notarized and FedEx Express it to Pierre to be certified (verification of the notary/document ) at the office of the Secretary of State, then it will be FedEx Expressed back to us using our prepaid envelope.  As soon as that document gets back into our hands we will turn around and put it in another envelope with a big check to send to a courier in Washington, DC who will hand deliver our document to the Secretary of State's office to be authenticated and then on to the Embassy of China to be authenticated.  Then, that super important final document we need before we can send all of our things to China will arrive back in our hands and we will immediately take it, along with a couple pounds of paper (or the equivalent of 6 months of blood, sweat and tears), to the Fed Ex drop to be sent to the Holt China Program headquarters in Eugene, OR before being sent to CH*NA!!!

That is all the further I can wrap my head around at this point, but after we get our Dossier (the equivalent of 6 months of blood, sweat and tears) to Ch*na there are some exciting steps that will take place.  We'll still have a long wait until we travel, but things will at least be moving.  I'm tired of waiting on my government.  Its ridiculous!

Now that I've gotten all my grumpies out, I would really appreciate if you would pray for a speedy approval of our 797.  It should've been mailed today, but doesn't look like it was.  Embracing this wait has become increasingly difficult.  Trusting God's timing is hard.  Really hard.  Shopping for my girl while I wait has gotten...really easy.  Well, actually its gotten about as ridiculous as homeland security :)  Bring on the 797!!!

A Princess Am I

"I am a child of royal birth.

My Father is King of heaven and earth.

My spirit was born in the courts on high.

A child beloved, a princess am I."

~Anna Johnson

Are you mommy's princess, too?  Oh yes you are little one.

Long-awaited. Beautiful. Treasured. Loved.