Goodbye to My Girl

I've known a goodbye would have to come.  I don't want to be saying goodbye.  Its not fair.  I didn't choose this goodbye.  I want to be welcoming you home, not saying goodbye. Bringing you home to be mine wasn't His plan like I had prayed for, pleaded for, longed for.  My hopes and dreams for you will never leave the place in my heart that you will always have.  Forever you'll be my princess, my China baby, my Hope Isabella Xiang Fei Nagel. Forever you'll be mine.  I may never meet you on this side of heaven, but I won't stop praying that I will.  I won't stop praying for you, Hope.  Never.  I won't stop loving you and remembering how I felt the moment I laid eyes on you, the incredible love I felt immediately.  I won't stop remembering... 

I will remember the way I knew you were a special polk-a-dotted baby just like Sully by the sweet little spots on your face.
I will remember the overwhelming joy I felt when I got my birthday miracle in your referral.
I will remember shopping for you and delighting in each and every moment I spent daydreaming about the room I'd make for you and I to enjoy together.
I will remember the wonder I had when I saw the sweet little spots on your precious toes, just like I did with your big brother.
I will remember the excitement in your brothers when they learned about bringing you home and how they grew to love you too.
I will remember the joy that your great grandpa Roling had in hearing that you would be mine.
I will remember buying your first baby doll and paying for it with tears in my eyes.
I will remember that Samantha led you to me.
I will remember praying over your paperwork and asking God to bless the paperwork pregnancy that would make you mine.
I will remember choosing your middle name and the beautiful story of the family who named you Hope before you were mine.
I will remember that God's plan for you is way bigger than mine was and it is GOOD!
I will remember the awe I felt in seeing God's hand on your life through the many people who prayed for you since your were a tiny baby, all inexplicably connected to carry out God's special plan for your life.
I will remember praying as I typed up the care manual for your birthmark to share with New Day so they would know how to care for your special skin.
I will remember asking God to prepare your heart and mine for this special journey we would share as mother and daughter.
I will remember celebrating every accomplishment in my adoption journey to you with my friends and family.
I will remember watching your Grandma D and Grandpa opening their hearts to you and loving you as their own in their words and actions.
I will remember every tear I've shed in your loss, all the sadness and the pain, trusting that God will use every single one of those tears for HIS glory.
I will remember September 30th, your birthday, as my daughter's birthday because you ARE my daughter, sweet one, and birthdays are a reason to celebrate!

There are so many things that I wish we could've done together, so many things I'm losing in saying goodbye to you but for you, sweet baby girl  I WILL... Be strong and courageous and do the work of His kingdom.  I WON'T be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, MY GOD, is with ME and with YOU.  He will not fail us or forsake us.  1 Chronicles 28:20

Someday I pray that God will show me why you weren't meant to be my baby girl, that He'll redeem this incredible pain I'm expereincing, that He'll lead me away from the anger that exists toward the sin that took you from me and toward forgiving the one whose choices took you from me.  I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you from the ugliness that has fallen on my boys and I.  If there was any way to bring you home on my own I would've.  Hope, you are so very loved.  So loved.  First by your birth mommy and now by me, your heart mommy.  In my heart, I'll ALWAYS, ALWAYS be your mommy, Hope.

Goodbye, Hope....my sweet, precious, most beautiful treasure. 



A family has submitted their letter of intent to adopt Hope.  They have not yet made contact with me, but I pray that they do.  If you know the family who has chosen my baby girl to be their very own, please contact me.  Although I will no longer be Hope's forever mama, I would love to be a part of Hope's life in some way no matter how small or how big.

In this time of saying goodbye, I plan to fill in the missing pieces of Hope's story that I've kept only in my heart until now.  Her story is not yet done so this blog will remain open in the mean time.  I ask that you pray for me, my children, and my parents as we grieve this incredible loss.